The 11 Stages of Moving to Kazakhstan

  1. Reluctance. See the job posting. Tell yourself how crazy it is.
  2. Intrigue. Keep thinking about said job posting.
  3. Research. Spend the majority of your free time looking up information on Central Asia and the organization that posted the job.
  4. Confidence. You have now invested so much time and thought into your knowledge of this area, that you’ve decided you want the job and are determined to go. Your heartbreak at not getting the job would be comparable to that of a promising 3 month-long relationship ending.
  5. 60 Seconds of Extreme Happiness Followed by a Night of Panic. You’ve been offered and have accepted the position. What have you done?!
  6. Living Your Life (LYL). Drink a lot of drinks and eat a lot of good meals with all of your friends. Be generous, especially in emotion and kindness. Remember that George Saunders speech? You’ll want to leave good memories before you go. LYL even while you go through the other phases.
  7. Zen/Denial. You have so many things to do that you can’t individually stress about, otherwise you would go crazy. It’s like The Simpsons episode when a doctor tells Mr. Burns he’s indestructible because he has every disease known to man. Attribute sudden jolts of panic to eating too many kale salads.
  8. Sadness. Start having last moments. Moments in which you realize this is the last time you’ll go to Sushiyama or the last time you’ll see your friend whom you really care about but somehow don’t manage to see more than once every two months. This is a good time to buy $200 jeans that you have to try on during the peak of summer at a place with no air conditioning, while on your period.
  9. Ugly Crying. Do one thing wrong, which leads to a complete meltdown over everything.
  10. Combine #6-8. The combination looks something like this: sitting on the kitchen floor by yourself with a glass of red wine and a bag of Munchies, picking the sticker off the front of your oven (which you only half took off after the landlord bought and installed it), while watching Celebrity Masterchef UK.

I imagine #10 will continue, with #9 thrown in again (Will it be at the airport? When you’re on a two-day vacation with your best friends? Who knows?!). Let’s insert  some periodic crankiness. And then I predict #11 will occur once on the airplane:

      11.  Relief. My goodness. It’s all done and out of your hands now. Interrupt your sleep only for the layovers and the Bits & Bites/Cookies handouts.





No cat today because I’m really into this side car camel. Look how content she is!


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